so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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