Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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