I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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