i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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