I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He better not be in your backpack
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
