I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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