chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
