dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
