Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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