I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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