forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
