So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
