She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
