ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
