How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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