I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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