my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
