im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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