If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
