I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
