i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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