just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I am morally bankrupt
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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