Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
