So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
