I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize