this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
