be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
