is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
