I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
