I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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