8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
