if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
