Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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