True but thats because hes a fetus.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
