1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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