I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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