i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize