i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
