I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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