I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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