Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
