so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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