I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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