Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
