If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
