so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
