what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
