just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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