Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you would pick up someone in the library
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize