It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
