When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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