I want to walk on stilts...naked
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
