from now on my penis is your penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
