i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
