I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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