I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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