Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
