Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
