Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
