: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
