Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I want is dick and wine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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