my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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