She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
