my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
